[Originally posted to social media on 9/5/22]
Like I said before, I’m not on vacation.
Neither is my grief.
After an amazing previous weekend in Marrakech, I had thought about visiting Tangier or Fes this past weekend. I noticed my first mood shift last Wednesday night. On Thursday I visited the Hassan II Mosque, a breathtakingly majestic sanctuary. Despite my smiles in the pics I posted on Facebook, my mood continued to slump. I couldn’t make up my mind about where to visit next, or even if to go anywhere. Indecision, a second clue.
Friday morning I woke up late, unmotivated, and soon found myself binging season 3 of The Umbrella Academy. Multiple consecutive hours of TV, a third hint. When I found myself weeping at a wedding scene, it was finally obvious: I was in the midst of yet another grief spiral. I don’t know what triggered it. I may never know. I don’t need to know.
It was a bittersweet realization though. At least I could now name what was happening, and that alone began to help me feel more at peace. For a while I turned off the computer and lay staring out the window, the pristine blue sky occasionally blurred by tears.
I momentarily second-arrowed myself for, after all these years, taking so long to recognize what I was going through. I let any thoughts of wasting precious hours I could be out touristing float away. If any particular losses from the past seven years arose, I let them come and go, not questioning why those and not others. I let myself be in it, and it in me.
Such is the weight and the beauty of grief. It is omnipresent and omnipotent. It doesn’t matter where or when I am. While it may seem dormant for stretches of time, it continuously underscores every moment, even the blissful ones, adding a depth and breadth that is often not appreciated until after the sadness subsides.
I later shared how I was feeling with my companion. She held space for me as she held me. I felt even lighter. Grief is not a burden to carry alone. It is a tender manifestation of love that is meant to be shared so other hearts may open.
Our losses connect us, and I am here… a safe space if you ever want to share yours.
It doesn't matter where.
It doesn't matter when.